The Water Coolest

Opening Bell: 11.13.18

Welcome to the new Opening Bell from The Water Coolest. We think you’re gonna like it here … Go home, you’re drunk [The Water Coolest] Diageo is divesting 19 of its “value” brands. You know, the ones best served in plastic bottles and consumed before 10 AM under a bridge. The lower end brands (read: the Camel cigarettes of booze) including Seagram’s Canadian whiskey and Goldschlager schnapps will fetch roughly $550M in cash. The buyer? Privately held US spirit maker, Sazerac. Diageo to Sell 19 Brands Amid Focus on Premium Spirits [WSJ] Jho Low can it go? [The Water Coolest] D-Sol and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Malaysia’s finance minister demanded a full refund for Lloyd’s handy-work on the 1MDB debacle that earned the company roughly $600M. News of the Malaysian governm...

Opening Bell: 11.12.18

Welcome to the new Opening Bell from The Water Coolest. We think you’re gonna like it here… No stress [The Water Coolest] Apparently, the Fed is channeling its inner Kunu a la “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (think: “Do less”). A speech by Fed Vice Chairman of Supervision Randal Quarles on Friday was the source of many a fist bump throughout the banking world. Quarles (Barkley), doing his best to score an invite to Dorsia, opened the kimono on a slew of planned bank-friendly regulations including making stress tests more consistent year over year and giving banks results before the house of cards wrap up their shareholder-return plans. The man with the plan (Quarles) also hinted at eliminating the leverage ratio which compares equity to total assets. Banks and the Fed argue that this doesn’t t...

We’ve Made You A New Friend For The Mornings

Since we’re famously anti-social in our better moments, we’re happy to announce a new partnership with The Water Coolest, a daily business & markets email newsletter that we have been reading and enjoying for a few months now. We like that they call themselves the “preferred handicap stall reading material of corporate cogs,” but we really like that they offered to write the Opening Bell for us. We also see some actual synergy here. These guys seem to get whatever it is we do here and they appear clever. They’ve also allowed us to tattoo #DraftDimon on one of them, so they are clearly easy to manipulate. Because we like them, and because they seem hardworking despite being cynically smart, you’ll get a taste of The Water Coolest in your inbox every single morning when they take over th...