Tesla

Elon Musk Has Finally Chosen His SEC-Mandated Babysitter

Like anyone forced into self-punishment on a deadline, Elon Musk has waited until crunch time to find someone to take over as chairman role at Tesla until he can learn to never tweet. We thought for a while that Elon might just ignore the SEC’s very strongly-worded request that he step aside from the role of Tesla Chairman for a few years, or until he figured out how to not commit securities while trying to make his girlfriend giggle on social media. Whichever came first. At one point, it felt like Elon was going to put on big sunglasses, a fake mustache, speak in a hoary American accent and introduce himself as “Bart Fartberger, the new chairman of Tesla who is definitely not Elon Musk.” Then we heard that he had an even worse idea. But it now appears that Elon will buckle down and comply...

Elon Musk Converts An Enemy Into An Apostle

Like we’ve said many times before, Tesla is definitely not not a cult masquerading as a car company. For instance, it’s totally normal for someone so aggressively shorting an auto stock that they’re actively suing said auto company, to suddenly turn around and announce that they are now long the stock… Tesla shares popped as a noted short seller, Andrew Left of Citron Research, said he is now betting on the stock ahead of the company’s earnings report on Wednesday. Left’s firm has held a short position on the stock for more than two years, and he confirmed he is still suing both Tesla and CEO Elon Musk. What? This shit doesn’t happen all the time with Druckenmiller and GM? And Left isn’t just changing his tune, he’s remixing the whole fucking album… “Citron is long Tesla as the Model 3 is ...

Elon Musk Will Buy $20 Million Of Tesla Stock In Big Show Of Make Believe That Elon Musk And Tesla Are Separate Things

After tweeting out some securities fraud a few weeks back, Elon Musk has crossed the T’s and dotted the R’s [Elon doesn’t play by your grammar rules, plebe] on his laughably lenient settlement with the SEC. In addition to stepping down as chairman and letting one of his pals act as an “independent” “director,” Tesla will pay a $20 million fine, Elon is going to pay a $20 million fine, behave himself and stop trying to make his performance artist girlfriend with jokes that are also stock manipulations. But according to one new little bit of info, Elon has one more fake-ass mea culpa that is simultaneous proof Elon can’t shoot straight anymore and that there is no daylight between Tesla and Musk. Buried at the bottom of an 8-K form filed by Tesla yesterday is this tidbit: Separate and apart ...

Tesla Is Looking To Hire A Work Daddy For Elon Musk

What’s worth $45 billion and needs to hire a proven public adult to make its founder and CEO not behave like an adolescent? Tesla, baby! Wanted: A seasoned executive with a steady hand, a passion for electric cars and the mettle to rein in a CEO with itchy Twitter fingers.That’s pretty much the job posting Tesla Inc. agreed to as part of the settlement nine days ago with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, which requires the company to appoint an independent chairman to replace Elon Musk and add two directors to the board. Names being floated as candidates for the chairmanship have ranged from former Vice President Al Gore to one-time CEOs including Jim McNerney of Boeing Co. and Alan Mulally of Ford Motor Co. Let’s just get the obvious joke out of the way here and say that Al Gor...

Toddler Billionaire Can’t Stop Putting Hand On Burning Stove

Everyone’s favorite industrialist billionaire playboy turned social media self-immolator is at it again, just a few days after narrowly escaping disaster for a dumb tweet via strange mercy by the SEC, Elon Musk fired off a dumb [and deeply grammatically flawed] tweet at the SEC. Just want to that the Shortseller Enrichment Commission is doing incredible work. And the name change is so on point! — Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October 4, 2018 The gaping dark hole of need inside Elon Musk remains forever unfilled, but perhaps the best way to assuage the ache of that hole is by filling it with the placebo of irony. Elon detests Tesla’s short sellers, just ask him. He’s gone full maniac on the Einhorns and Chanii of this world, making it clear that the problem with his electric car company is not its ...

SEC Legally Daring Tesla Board To Produce Some Balls

Elon Musk’s long legal nightmare with the SEC finally ended on Saturday after almost three whole days. Elon Musk, under pressure from his lawyers and investors of Tesla, the company he co-founded, reached a deal with the Securities and Exchange Commission on Saturday to resolve securities fraud charges. The settlement will force Mr. Musk to step aside as chairman for three years and pay a $20 million fine. After a few hours of posturing, Elon walked away without official control of his board and the SEC got to make a public show of strength and take a metaphorical pound of flesh from Elon that is actually a half pound of flesh…and it’s being leased. The terms of the settlement are slightly tougher than those that two people briefed on the talks said Mr. Musk had rejected on Thursday, which...

Elon Musk Refuses To Let Brett Kavanaugh Have All The Fun Today

Whoooooooah Nelly! The Securities and Exchange Commission has opened a case against Tesla Inc. Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk, according to a docket entry in Manhattan federal court, Bloomberg News reports. With all eyes turned on DC and the bumblefuck American nightmare going on down there, Elon gets sued by the SEC in NYC. What an attention whore. Never tweet, kids. Just keep a weird and creepy calendar of what you and all your friends are up to on a daily basis. Elon Musk Is Sued by Securities and Exchange Commission: Docket [Bloomberg]

Elon Musk Hopes To Distract From His Problems By Having People Pay Him To Elaborately Murder Them In Space

As the old saying goes; If high-speed vacuum tunnels, space rockets, funny hats, solar panels, Thai kids trapped in a cave, flamethrowers and getting high on a podcast don’t get people to stop talking about how you forgot to build a car company inside your car company, there’s only one thing left to try… Elon Musk and his rocket company, SpaceX, have revealed who will fly their spaceship around the moon for the first time: a Japanese entrepreneur named Yusaku Maezawa. Since you all can’t stop being so negative about Tesla, Elon Musk is going to kill a man in space. And not just anyone, a painfully hip Japanese fashion billionaire who’s paying for the privilege… Maezawa was a skateboarder and drummer in his youth, and founded the fashion label Zozo 20 years ago.Maezawa announced on Monday t...

Tesla Short Shorts Are Showing Some Bulge

It must have been hard for David Einhorn to drink his morning coffee what with the rigid perma-grin affixed to a face that he was afraid had forgotten how to smile… The turmoil at Tesla Inc. reached a fever pitch Friday, as news emerged that two senior executives will leave Elon Musk’s electric-car maker a matter of hours after he smoked marijuana during an hours-long interview with a comedian.Chief Accounting Officer Dave Morton gave notice Tuesday that he was resigning less than a month into the job, according to a filing. Tesla’s stock plunged, then extended declines after Gabrielle Toledano, the head of human resources who’s been on a leave of absence, told Bloomberg News that she won’t rejoin the company. And things must have gotten downright bawdy in the Einhorn kitchen when David fi...

Goldman Sachs Punishes Elon Musk For Getting Its Hopes Up

Last month, Tesla founder Elon Musk, in a not-at-all-covering-his-ass-making-it-up-as-he-went-along kind of way, called his buddies at 200 West Street and said, “Hey, think you’d like to help me take this thing private?” Imagine their excitement for the fees earned on a $70 billion-plus deal that was definitely happening and not at all just a tweet Musk sent while tripping, on which they’d have essentially nothing to do, since Musk already had everything lined up. Why, of course they’ll help you take this thing private! But Elon isn’t taking Tesla private. And Goldman will thusly not be getting paid. So it’s not afraid anymore to tell you what it really thinks of its tease of a former client. The firm resumed coverage of Tesla with a sell rating, predicting the competition will cut into th...

Larry Fink Would Like To See What Tesla Looks Like With Less Elon Musk

The one thing that Elon Musk has managed to not fuck up in his slow-motion meltdown at the helm of Tesla Motors is cultivating powerful enemies within the company. Or so we thought… Funds run by BlackRock Inc voted in favor of a recent shareholder proposal that would have required Tesla Inc to replace Elon Musk with an independent chairman.BlackRock-managed funds voted for a measure requiring the chairman be an independent director, according to BlackRock’s filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission on Thursday. The proposal, which was defeated, would not have affected Musk’s standing as Tesla’s chief executive officer. But it’s maybe not personal. According to the world’s largest hedge fund, it’s just hedging. “BlackRock’s approach to investment stewardship is driven by our f...

Man Who Owns .0000071% of Tesla Attempts to Unseat Elon Musk

On Monday, woes again plagued Elon Musk, and they included the Tesla shareholders meeting that was to take place the following day. With that meeting came worries that investors planned to strip Musk of some power within the corporation and shake up his board a bit…literally. Two proposals were voted on at the meeting. One to change the makeup of Tesla’s board: Shareholders also struck down a second proposal to remove three Tesla board members up for re-election this year. The proposal was brought by the CtW Investment Group, which works with pension funds for unions. And another proposal to form an independent chairman: Shareholder Jiang Zhao of Concord, California, who owns 12 shares of Tesla stock, brought the proposal to have an independent chairman forward because he said it was neces...

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