SEC

SEC Apparently Investigating How Anyone Thought The Snap IPO Was A Good Idea

Who could ever predict that the SNAP IPO would end up looking like a not-so-slow moving car crash? Well, other than us… Since debuting at about $27 a share in early 2017, SNAP shares have dropped off in such a dramatic way that a chart of its total performance looks like the visual representation of a long, wet fart sound effect Aside from having no fully-realized revenue plan, disappointing growth and living under the existential threat of Facebook, Snap is also hemorrhaging executives and becoming uncool very quickly. Suffice to say a little too late that SNAP’s entrance into the public markets now looks like a true contender for the IPO Hall of Shame. The whole thing has been a shitshow embarrassment that would have been spectacularly unique in its failure had Blue Apron not taken a rea...

Elon Musk Has Finally Chosen His SEC-Mandated Babysitter

Like anyone forced into self-punishment on a deadline, Elon Musk has waited until crunch time to find someone to take over as chairman role at Tesla until he can learn to never tweet. We thought for a while that Elon might just ignore the SEC’s very strongly-worded request that he step aside from the role of Tesla Chairman for a few years, or until he figured out how to not commit securities while trying to make his girlfriend giggle on social media. Whichever came first. At one point, it felt like Elon was going to put on big sunglasses, a fake mustache, speak in a hoary American accent and introduce himself as “Bart Fartberger, the new chairman of Tesla who is definitely not Elon Musk.” Then we heard that he had an even worse idea. But it now appears that Elon will buckle down and comply...

Elon Musk Will Buy $20 Million Of Tesla Stock In Big Show Of Make Believe That Elon Musk And Tesla Are Separate Things

After tweeting out some securities fraud a few weeks back, Elon Musk has crossed the T’s and dotted the R’s [Elon doesn’t play by your grammar rules, plebe] on his laughably lenient settlement with the SEC. In addition to stepping down as chairman and letting one of his pals act as an “independent” “director,” Tesla will pay a $20 million fine, Elon is going to pay a $20 million fine, behave himself and stop trying to make his performance artist girlfriend with jokes that are also stock manipulations. But according to one new little bit of info, Elon has one more fake-ass mea culpa that is simultaneous proof Elon can’t shoot straight anymore and that there is no daylight between Tesla and Musk. Buried at the bottom of an 8-K form filed by Tesla yesterday is this tidbit: Separate and apart ...

Tesla Hoping That One Of The Business World’s Least Impressive Sons Can Be The Daddy Elon Needs

Dammit, Tesla! We give you the obvious person for this shitty gig you legally need to fill ASAP, and then you turn around and pick the opposite kind of person? You need someone to come into the chairman role, box Elon around the ears a bit, give him a burner Twitter account, figure out how to build a car company inside your car company and use his Wall Street Rolodex/finance fame to signal the market that TSLA is safe again. We give you Gary Cohn on a platter and you go with… James Murdoch has become the favourite to succeed Elon Musk as the chairman of Tesla, which has to replace the electric carmaker’s founder in the role by the middle of next month. Serious question, everyone at Tesla not named Elon Musk: Are you also fucking high? You’re going to fix Elon and your manufacturing by lett...

Tesla Is Looking To Hire A Work Daddy For Elon Musk

What’s worth $45 billion and needs to hire a proven public adult to make its founder and CEO not behave like an adolescent? Tesla, baby! Wanted: A seasoned executive with a steady hand, a passion for electric cars and the mettle to rein in a CEO with itchy Twitter fingers.That’s pretty much the job posting Tesla Inc. agreed to as part of the settlement nine days ago with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, which requires the company to appoint an independent chairman to replace Elon Musk and add two directors to the board. Names being floated as candidates for the chairmanship have ranged from former Vice President Al Gore to one-time CEOs including Jim McNerney of Boeing Co. and Alan Mulally of Ford Motor Co. Let’s just get the obvious joke out of the way here and say that Al Gor...

SEC Legally Daring Tesla Board To Produce Some Balls

Elon Musk’s long legal nightmare with the SEC finally ended on Saturday after almost three whole days. Elon Musk, under pressure from his lawyers and investors of Tesla, the company he co-founded, reached a deal with the Securities and Exchange Commission on Saturday to resolve securities fraud charges. The settlement will force Mr. Musk to step aside as chairman for three years and pay a $20 million fine. After a few hours of posturing, Elon walked away without official control of his board and the SEC got to make a public show of strength and take a metaphorical pound of flesh from Elon that is actually a half pound of flesh…and it’s being leased. The terms of the settlement are slightly tougher than those that two people briefed on the talks said Mr. Musk had rejected on Thursday, which...

Elon Musk Refuses To Let Brett Kavanaugh Have All The Fun Today

Whoooooooah Nelly! The Securities and Exchange Commission has opened a case against Tesla Inc. Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk, according to a docket entry in Manhattan federal court, Bloomberg News reports. With all eyes turned on DC and the bumblefuck American nightmare going on down there, Elon gets sued by the SEC in NYC. What an attention whore. Never tweet, kids. Just keep a weird and creepy calendar of what you and all your friends are up to on a daily basis. Elon Musk Is Sued by Securities and Exchange Commission: Docket [Bloomberg]

Slacker SEC: Don’t Trip About Lower Fines Or Whatever

(Getty Images) We know that the SEC doesn’t feel much like doing anything these days. Now, we have the numbers to back it up. Enforcement fines fell to five-year low its last fiscal year, and the new regime’s pretty sure this year’s numbers will be even lower, once they get back from the beach and around to calculating them. And they can hear you not-so-silently judging them. But, like, amount of fine money collected as the sole arbiter of effective enforcement is just so narrow and constraining a way to look at things. Jay Clayton & co. aren’t bound by your rigid, inside-the-box ways of thinking, man. Also, it’s totally not their fault because the courts ate their homework and, like, other stuff. So lay off, man, and enjoy this Indian summer, which the folks at the SEC really hope str...

SEC To Offer Whistleblowers A Shiny Nickel

Enjoy!! By The original uploader was Hephaestos at English Wikipedia (Transferred from en.wikipedia to Commons.) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons Let’s be honest here: Whistleblower claims are a real pain in the ass for the SEC. There are an awful lot of them, and they require an awful lot of work, and most of them go nowhere. Oh, and while we’re being honest, the SEC just doesn’t really feel like doing much work these days. I mean, summer’s sort of over but it’s still kinda hot and muggy, especially in D.C., and Thanksgiving’s only 64 days away, and then it’s basically already Christmas. So like, maybe lay off a bit? Also, the boss says “snitches end up in ditches” or whatever. So, sure, blow the whistle if you really want to, but don’t expect more than like, 50 bucks from us. Cool?...

Hedge Fund’s ‘Regulated Crypto’ Claim Becomes Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

By Mike Cauldwell (https://www.casascius.com/photos.aspx) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons Last year, something called the “Crypto Asset Fund” began offering its services to investors, which services included putting their money to work in the “first regulated crypto asset fund in the United States.” This pitch attracted $3.6 million in real money to be invested in fake money, which admittedly seemed like a better idea at the time—specifically, between August and December, before the words “worse than the dot-com crash” could be applied to cryptocurrencies—especially given CAF’s assurance that it had filed a registration statement with the” SEC. Except, of course, it hadn’t. And was not only not the “first regulated crypto asset fund in the United States” but was, like the crypto mar...

SEC Playing Larry Summers Role In Winklevii’s Bitcoin-Based Sequel To ‘The Social Network’

(Getty Images) Perhaps this was finally the turning point? In the wake of rejection upon rejection at the federal level for their dream-of bitcoin ETF, the Winklevoss twins may have had occasion to raise glasses in their oversized hands in celebration this weekend. The State of New York was preparing to lend its imprimatur to another of their digital money schemes: the Gemini dollar. Unlike bitcoin, this is a blockchain-based digital asset that’s actually based on something of tangible value, namely the U.S. dollar. Never mind that this is the very thing that bitcoin aims to disrupt and eventually destroy. It’s a first step, one that the bitcoin markets recognize as a positive one even if it isn’t directly linked thereto. What’s more, unlike those cowards at Goldman Sachs, a real-live bank...

Whistleblowing A Pretty Sweet Business These Days

Henry Ford. Thomas Edison. Steve Jobs. Whoever invented air conditioning. Some people are visionaries, and some are not. Take Jordan Thomas. When he left the Securities and Exchange Commission after 16 years of public service, he could have followed the well-trod path of his peers before and since, taking a partnership and comfortable salary from whichever white-shoe law firm he chose, and move from nailing asses to the wall to defending those asses from the nails. But Jordan Thomas saw the future. Hell, he created it. During his eight years at the SEC, he helped build the agency’s whistleblower program. As such, he knew that eventually, there was going to be a lot of money to be made on it. And so instead of joining his ex-colleagues, he got to work building something else: A legal practi...

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