Satire

A Day In The Life Of A Morgan Stanley First-Year Analyst Who Wakes Up At 3 a.m. Covered In His Own Sweat And Fear, Eats When He’s Allowed, Cries Alone In Elevators, And Fantasizes Every Day About Running Away

Do you like in-depth looks at the real lives of totally real finance professionals? Of course you do! Ichabod Munch is a busy young man indeed. The Morgan Stanley first-year M&A analyst is fresh out of one of those small New England liberal arts colleges, and trying to make it on the bright lights of Wall Street. He previously interned at Credit Suisse where he was told to never speak of what he saw there, and has for some reason never thought about jobs outside the finance sector. He recently shared a usual day in his life with Dealbreaker…for some reason. Ichabod wakes up at 3 am most days. He meets consciousness gripped in the cold panic of existential dread, realizing that he just fell asleep 45 minutes ago and will soon be working another 18 hour day. “I don’t always beg for death...

Of Course Steve Mnuchin Is Going To Saudi Arabia

The likely brutal and audacious murder of Saudi dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi has created a real pain-in-the-ass situation for the poor organizers of this year’s Future Investment Initiative in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The people tasked with programming, catering and housing all the powerful billionaires and lowlier millionaires at “Davos in the Desert” are left with empty halls, emptier hotels, and way too much food. The list of last-minute regrets keeps growing with Jamie Dimon, Larry Fink, Steve Schwarzman, and almost every other major American financial institution publicly stating that this is a particularly bad time to be photographed glad-handing in “The Kingdom.” So deep and total is the roster of people pulling out that the FT is now keeping a chart. Even Uber CEO Dara Khosrow...

Brian Moynihan Will Have You Know That He’s Fired Thousands Of People, Like A MAN

You laughed at Brian Moynihan. We all laughed at Brian Moynihan. The most impotently powerful bank CEO in America has been the butt of jokes for many moons, what with his moon-faced Irish stare communicating the mien of a man bereft of hope yet incapable to stop the pain from raining down. There is a deep well of sadness in the eyes on his face, one that comes from running Bank of America when, really, Bank of America runs him. But, as we’ve always feared, a darkness lies inside the broken calm exterior of BriMo. A reservoir of repressed cruelty that was bound to make itself known sooner or later, and yesterday…it finally did. Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan said that the adoption of technology at the second-biggest U.S. lender has allowed him to cut 100,000 workers in less than a decad...

Inside Hedge Funders With @CreditNegative: Crash Is King

I CAREFULLY HOIST A LASAGNA INTO THE LOWER PORTION OF MY LEOPARD PRINT SNUGGIE (MY SUBORDINATES HAVE REFUSED TO DO BOTH MY DISHES AND LAUNDRY FOR SEVERAL YEARS) AND GINGERLY TROT TO MY WORKSTATION, WHERE I REST THE ITALIAN DISH ON MY BEEFY QUADRICEPS. I BEGIN WRITING MY LETTER TO MY JAMAICAN INVESTORS, WHO BE VERY CONCERNED WITH ME Q3 UNDERPERFORMANCE. “YOU GON’ DONE BE VERY PATIENT WITH YOUR CAPITAL NOW, IT IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP JAMMIN’ WITH ME.” I EXPERTLY EXPLAIN THAT THE CHINESE, WHO ARE DEVELOPING A FINAL SOLUTION TO HALTING DISGUSTING WESTERN CAPITALISM IN THEIR COUNTRY (“CRAZY RICH ASIANS”, A BRILLIANT PROPAGANDA FILM), ARE OUT TO GET ME, AND THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PROTECT THEIR CAPITAL FROM A DEVASTATING BLITZKRIEG OF NEGATIVE ALPHA. “YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY 888 CLIENT BASE ...

Nouriel Roubini Seems Undecided On Cryptocurrencies

Oh, Nouriel Roubini is weighing in on cryptos while the markets burn? 99% of crypto land is one shitcoin traded for another shitcoin. And the average shitcoin lost 90% or more of its value in the last year. So Crypto Land is Crap Land, a cesspool of lunatics with severe Freudian scatological obsessions that swim 24/7 in their own stinking shit. — Nouriel Roubini (@Nouriel) October 11, 2018 Tee hee, he said pool.

Larry Kudlow Explains To CNBC That Trump’s Comments On The Fed Are Totally Fine If You Just Ignore Them Like Larry Does

Since he took over the reins from Gary Cohn last year, Leisure Suit Larry Kudlow has done an objectively tremendous job of selling the Trump administration’s economic policies to an often incredulous financial press. Kuddles has excelled in the role for a few reasons, but none more potent than his sheer Kudlowness: the innate nasally smooth operator mien that makes it as easy for Larry to sell tariffs to Bloomberg TV as it is for him to sell his book on markets to the pretty young waitress at The Polo Bar. And Larry supercharges his superpower by doing the one thing that Gary Cohn never figured out how to do: Fully ignoring the words of Donald Trump. Kudlow has been brilliant going on TV after some batshit Trumpian outburst and charmingly smirking that everyone is getting carried away by w...

Tesla Is Looking To Hire A Work Daddy For Elon Musk

What’s worth $45 billion and needs to hire a proven public adult to make its founder and CEO not behave like an adolescent? Tesla, baby! Wanted: A seasoned executive with a steady hand, a passion for electric cars and the mettle to rein in a CEO with itchy Twitter fingers.That’s pretty much the job posting Tesla Inc. agreed to as part of the settlement nine days ago with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, which requires the company to appoint an independent chairman to replace Elon Musk and add two directors to the board. Names being floated as candidates for the chairmanship have ranged from former Vice President Al Gore to one-time CEOs including Jim McNerney of Boeing Co. and Alan Mulally of Ford Motor Co. Let’s just get the obvious joke out of the way here and say that Al Gor...

BigMouth Jay Powell Is Not President-Elect Dimon’s First Choice For Fed Chair

With the Dimon for America campaign percolating more loudly into existence up on Park Avenue these days, it’s wise to take extra notice of what JPMorgan is saying about stuff. After all, a few key members of the Dimon transition team and the Dimon West Wing likely work inside the Bank if Dimon right now, so we can get a sneak peek of what and who to expect after January 20, 2021. So, following this line of thought; Jay Powell is a dead man walking… Since the central bank chief took over in February, his public remarks have cost the market dearly — specifically about a $1.5 trillion loss in market cap, according to a J.P. Morgan analysis.The bank’s strategists specifically found that when Powell gives a news conference after a Federal Open Market Committee meeting, the S&P 500 typically...

Steve Mnuchin Is Creepy And Weird To Be Around, So Now David Solomon Runs Goldman Sachs

It has become increasingly difficult to look back on the last 25 years of financial history, isolate a moment that turned out to be important, inspect that moment more closely, and not find Steve Mnuchin mouthbreathing in the corner, his eyes shrouded behind lenses just dark enough to be somehow timelessly unfashionable. And now we have another example of modern finance’s Forrest Gump having an accidental direct impact on history by simply being his gormless self. As part of David Solomon’s coronation day celebrations at Goldman Sachs, Vanity Fair has published an in-depth profile of the new Head Bald in Charge at 200 West Street. William Cohan’s piece is an excellent piece of reporting that manages to give us a sense of DJ D-Sol as a person while also conveying his role within the macro s...

Elon Musk Hopes To Distract From His Problems By Having People Pay Him To Elaborately Murder Them In Space

As the old saying goes; If high-speed vacuum tunnels, space rockets, funny hats, solar panels, Thai kids trapped in a cave, flamethrowers and getting high on a podcast don’t get people to stop talking about how you forgot to build a car company inside your car company, there’s only one thing left to try… Elon Musk and his rocket company, SpaceX, have revealed who will fly their spaceship around the moon for the first time: a Japanese entrepreneur named Yusaku Maezawa. Since you all can’t stop being so negative about Tesla, Elon Musk is going to kill a man in space. And not just anyone, a painfully hip Japanese fashion billionaire who’s paying for the privilege… Maezawa was a skateboarder and drummer in his youth, and founded the fashion label Zozo 20 years ago.Maezawa announced on Monday t...

Wait, Who’s Bill Gross?

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Mo El-Erian Puts Himself On The 10-Day DL With A Sprained Elbow From Pointing And Laughing So Hard At Bill Gross

Happy Humpday, Mo El-Erian. The portfolio manager’s Janus Henderson Global Unconstrained Bond Fund declined by nearly 3 percent, its worst day since inception, as bond market volatility surged on Italian geopolitical concerns. The fund is now down 5.9 percent for the year to date through Tuesday, according to Morningstar. And don’t you get started, Gundlach. Bond fund managed by Bill Gross has worst day ever [CNBC]

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