News

It’s A Miracle: There’s A Brexit Deal

By EU2017EE Estonian Presidency (Theresa May) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons Ladies and gentlemen: We have a Brexit deal. The scornful, snarky doubters (whoever they are) have been proven wrong. Theresa May has done it, Ireland and all. Raise a glass to Her Majesty the Prime Minister and let’s all join in a rousing rendition of “Rule Britannia.” Plucky Albion’s pulled through! Even assuming she gains the cabinet’s approval on Wednesday without a politically damaging raft of resignations — not a given — Mrs. May faces daunting odds in pushing the compromise plan through Parliament, where it has many opponents…. One influential pro-Brexit lawmaker, Steve Baker, said on Tuesday that about 50 pro-Brexit Conservative lawmakers might oppose Mrs. May’s deal. Hard-Brexiters swiftly reacted neg...

It’s Larry Kudlow’s Turn To Lock Pete Navarro In A West Wing Closet

Perhaps the funniest part of Larry Kudlow’s tenure as Donald Trump’s top economic adviser is how unwilling Larry has been to learn the lessons of his predecessor, Gary Cohn. Instead of leveraging Gary’s departure to get the president thinking (or at least acting) more reasonably on trade and spending, or holding his fire on Twitter, Kuddles has simply kept us his smarm offensive; coddling the president’s ego while tacitly disagreeing with every Trump economic policy that doesn’t rhyme with “Sax Buts.” But now Larry has been forced to confront one unignorable reality of his gig – something that Gary Cohn handled beautifully when he stomped the halls of the West Wing – Peter Navarro must be kept away from cameras, microphones, and probably children. On Friday, Navarro went on stage at some c...

Wilbur Ross Might Wake Up From His Next Office Nap To Find Himself Hurtling Northward On The Acela

Psst, hey, keep your voices down. It’s early afternoon on a Friday so the 39th United States Secretary of Commerce is almost certainly “resting his eyes.” There’s nothing Wilbur Ross needs more at the end of a long week spent doing actually nothing than slide into a pair of bespoke velvet slippers and go to sleep in his office for a few hours. If there happens to be a meeting, so be it, Old Wilbur gonna get them Zs. But according to CNBC, it seems like the Slipper King might want to doze a little more gently, lest the suddenly-even-less-hinged leader of the free world command the Secret Service to go grab his sleeping Commerce Secretary and dump him on the next northbound Amtrak train… President Donald Trump is telling people he wants to replace Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross by the end of...

We’ve Made You A New Friend For The Mornings

Since we’re famously anti-social in our better moments, we’re happy to announce a new partnership with The Water Coolest, a daily business & markets email newsletter that we have been reading and enjoying for a few months now. We like that they call themselves the “preferred handicap stall reading material of corporate cogs,” but we really like that they offered to write the Opening Bell for us. We also see some actual synergy here. These guys seem to get whatever it is we do here and they appear clever. They’ve also allowed us to tattoo #DraftDimon on one of them, so they are clearly easy to manipulate. Because we like them, and because they seem hardworking despite being cynically smart, you’ll get a taste of The Water Coolest in your inbox every single morning when they take over th...

Jury Finds Craig Carton Guilty Of Being Smarter Than Anyone Thought

To anyone who listened to the man on the radio, the idea that Craig Carton would be capable of committing securities and wire fraud was inconceivable. A person who’d probably screw up a between-innings three-legged-race at a minor league baseball game guilty of conspiring to rip off loan sharks and a supposedly well-run hedge fund? Impossible. Even the man himself agreed: He’s far too stupid to have pulled something like that off. Much more likely that he was the unwitting pawn of veterans of more erudite ticket-scalping Ponzi schemes. Well, a Manhattan jury has considered the evidence and decided that it’s not impossible at all. Congratulations to Craig Carton for proving himself smarter than anyone who’s heard him talk could possibly imagine. And also for the fact that sentencing guideli...

Elon Musk Has Finally Chosen His SEC-Mandated Babysitter

Like anyone forced into self-punishment on a deadline, Elon Musk has waited until crunch time to find someone to take over as chairman role at Tesla until he can learn to never tweet. We thought for a while that Elon might just ignore the SEC’s very strongly-worded request that he step aside from the role of Tesla Chairman for a few years, or until he figured out how to not commit securities while trying to make his girlfriend giggle on social media. Whichever came first. At one point, it felt like Elon was going to put on big sunglasses, a fake mustache, speak in a hoary American accent and introduce himself as “Bart Fartberger, the new chairman of Tesla who is definitely not Elon Musk.” Then we heard that he had an even worse idea. But it now appears that Elon will buckle down and comply...

Just Remember That Whatever Happens Tonight, The Bond Market Is F@cked

A Democratic house won’t allow entitlements to die, a GOP Congress won’t stop spending or cutting taxes, the cocaine effects of the tax cut will wear off soon, economic growth is logically peaking,Ariana Grande dumped Pete Davidson, there will be no infrastructure spending regardless of who wins, Bill Gross hasn’t seen his shadow in months, Trump is still president, and the Fed has utterly lost control. But by all means enjoy that sticker, you sick fucks.

Cambridge Associates Founders Don’t Seem Too Sanguine About The Future Of Cambridge Associates

By Dong L. Zou (http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/sondoua/wallpaper/) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons Cambridge Associates has a lot going for it as arguably the most prominent investment consultant around. Specifically, it’s got nearly 400 billion things going for it, and has sought to maintain its grip thereon by tying its clients more closely to it by offering them equity stakes. Still, investment consulting is a crowded and messy business, and that’s forced Cambridge to go into the even more crowded and messy business of money management. This is not what the company’s founders signed up for back in 1973, and they don’t seem to confident it’ll all work out in the end. Co-founder Hunter Lewis is fully liquidating his stake in Cambridge to fund his philanthropy, the firm told employees ...

All-Caps On Twitter Is Donald Trump’s Version Of A White House Library Chat

When Ronald Reagan wanted Paul Volcker to cool it with the interest rate hikes, he called the Fed Chair to the White House to have his chief of staff tell him not to do it anymore. Larry Kudlow assures us that President Trump has done no such thing vis-à-vis Jay Powell. Lawrence Kudlow said that the president’s repeated criticism of Mr. Powell’s decision to raise rates three times so far this year is a simple expression of opinion, but that Mr. Trump hasn’t taken any steps to shake up the Fed’s leadership…. “President Trump has not made the phone call, but he believes, or he is concerned, that the Fed is moving its target rate up too high and too rapidly. That’s his view.” Leaving aside the fact that Kudlow only hears the things he wants to out of the president’s mouth or Twitter feed—in t...

We Went To Jacob Wohl’s Most Important Press Conference Ever And It Was Everything We’d Hoped It Would Be

When we left our quiet, comfortable home in the pre-dawn darkness to drive alone to Washington DC this morning, we did so with the solitary hope the eventual reward would warrant our sacrifice. Oh, how it did. Awaiting us hours down I-95 was the promise of a press conference being hosted by our old pal Jacob Wohl and some MAGA DC lawyer that he’d pulled into his latest venture: becoming a global private eye hellbent on destroying prosecutor Robert Mueller. According to Jacob’s pre-sale, he was going to present a victim of sexual assault who would claim that her abuser was none other than Mueller himself. Our boy Jacob was going to show her off to the assembled press at a Holiday Inn in Arlington, VA and end the long investigation into his adopted daddy, President Donald Trump. We had spent...

Someone Is Being Sued For Refusing To Wear Snap’s New Spectacles, So, Yeah, Things Are Great At Snap

Here’s something we are enjoying on multiple levels: Influencer Luka Sabbat was sued on Tuesday for failing to live up to an agreement to promote Snap Spectacles on his Instagram account. Okay, let’s get into first layer of schadenfodder here; This whole thing is a Mad Libs of hateful modern fame stereotypes. To wit: Sabbat, 20, was photographed in September at events with Kourtney Kardashian. People recently reported that the pair split after briefly dating. He also appears on the Freeform series “Grown-ish,” and has 1.4 million Instagram followers.PR Consulting Inc. says it signed an influencer agreement with Sabbat on Sept. 15, the day after he was first photographed with Kardashian. The PR company filed the lawsuit in New York Supreme Court, alleging that Sabbat breached his agreement ...

Fresh Off His Mega-Bullish Call On Cryptos, Tom Lee Is Calling the Bottom For Equities

Sick of the October Market Swoon™? Well, then has CNBC got good news for you! October has been a jarring month for U.S. stocks. But one strategist is calling a bottom and says it’s an opportune time to buy a few of the struggling sectors. Noice! These dark days are over, nerds. We’re about to get back in the money and everything in on sale. Thanks, CNBC, for giving us the good news, and thank your pal, the super-confident strategist who apparently knows their shit. You got a name for this soothsaying oracle? “We are massively oversold,” Tom Lee, managing partner and head of research at Fundstrat Global Advisors, said in a note to clients Wednesday. “A 10% decline in 20 days is a 2 standard deviation event.” Oh, it’s Tommy “Bitcoin” Lee?…umm, nevermind. *whispers* The market is fucke...