Jamie Dimon

Jamie Dimon Lazily Attempts To Bat Away His Destiny On Live Television

During an appearance on CNBC’s Squawk Box this morning, Jamie Dimon and Warren Buffett announced that they’d found the perfect masochist to work for them and Jeff Bezos on their new health care initiative, professed the American economy to be booming and called for an end to the market’s obsession with quarterly earnings reports [killjoys]. But the only real newsworthy moment of the interview came when Becky Quick asked the question on the mind of every true American patriot: Will Jamie Dimon admit that he must give in to divine providence and run for president? Here’s the video: Jamie Dimon says “I have no intention of running for president,” Buffett adds that he isn’t going to run for vice president either. pic.twitter.com/ayzgDgC31g — CNBC Now (@CNBCnow) June 7, 2018 Even President-Elec...

Opening Bell 6.7.18

Putin tells Europe on U.S. trade threat: ‘I told you so’ [Reuters] “That is exactly what is happening now. Nobody wanted to listen, and nobody did anything to stop this from developing. Well, there you go, you’ve been hit. Dinner is served … please sit down and eat.” Putin also accused the United States of upsetting the strategic nuclear balance, and said nobody should take any hasty steps: “The understanding that a third world war could be the end of civilization should restrain us.” U.S. Trade Is Trump’s Main Focus at G-7 Gathering [WSJ] For decades, the G-7 summit has been a venue for the richest countries to coordinate policies around trade and shared values, and the U.S. was the group’s undisputed leader. Now, many observers believe the Trump administration seems less interested in ma...

JPMorgan Places Child In Charge Of Childish Cryptocurrencies

To hear him tell it, Jamie Dimon doesn’t get bitcoin or the cryptocurrency craze it spawned. He thinks it’s a doomed fraud, the trading of which is a firing offense. Frankly, he’s not even all that interested in cryptos, because they are quite frankly uninteresting and also unimportant. His bank doesn’t know what to make of them. But as always, the next president of the United States knows more than he’s letting on. Now that JPMorgan’s being forced into the crypto game, Dimon needs a point person to handle it. And who better to do so than an actual child, a 29-year-old with all of four years of Wall Street experience. You know, the kind of person who actually understands the kind of people who trade in bitcoin. It’s a masterstroke. The US bank has just moved Oliver Harris, the head of an i...

The Three Most Powerful Men In American Business Can’t Figure Out Why No One Wants This Terrible Job They Created

Question: Who wants to run a brand-new healthcare company in modern America while working for Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffett and Jamie Dimon simultaneously? Did you answer “Nobody smart”? Because you’d be right! Take it away, CNBC: Almost four months ago, Amazon, Berkshire Hathaway and J.P. Morgan Chase announced a bold new partnership aimed at bringing down the costs of health care.But ABC, as the group is known, has encountered a surprising challenge filling the CEO spot. “Wow,” the most potentially awful job in the world of business remains empty, and the men who created it are flummoxed as to why. Berkshire CEO Warren Buffett said at the company’s investor meeting earlier this month that the consortium hoped to have a CEO “within a couple of months.” We get that Buffett and his new partner...

Jamie Dimon Understands That His Future President Self May Have To Deal With A Recession And/Or Higher Yields

Future President of the United States and current man who is 364 times richer than the median person who works for him and an undisclosed number of times richer than Mike Mayo, Jamie Dimon, thinks it’s possible that 10Y yields will hit 4% in the U.S. Why you should give a shit about that largely meaningless headline is anyone’s guess, but apparently a lot of people care because it’s all over the place on Tuesday. Here’s what Dimon told Bloomberg TV’s Stephen Engle during an interview in Beijing: [If the Fed hikes more than expected] it might force the 10-year up. You can easily deal with 4 percent bonds and I think people should be prepared for that. Ok. You have been thusly warned. Of course the possibility of higher 10Y yields has been all anyone has been talking about this year and as I...

John McAfee Invites Jamie Dimon To Learn About His Impotent, Blockchain-Powered, Bangkok Hooker-Filled Future

Hey, you guys want to see John McAfee invite Jamie Dimon to a Blockchain conference in Atlantic City by not-so-vaguely threatening him that he better understand the Blockchain before it takes away all of his notional cultural power and leaves him only a wealthy crypto baron waited upon by Thai prostitutes who are now his hierarchical equal…or something? Of course you do! I tell JP Morgan the truth. And make Jamie Dimon an offer that no man with an IQ above 12 could refuse. From a video that will be shown at the World Blockchain Conference in Atlantic City on July 12 of this year. I will be keynoting. https://t.co/ObPAmVOhG4 pic.twitter.com/JWqR0hok8v — John McAfee (@officialmcafee) May 4, 2018 We love this video. McAfee is always a fun person to watch [much in the same way it’s fun to watc...

Jamie Dimon’s Presidential Campaign Platform Makes For A Quasi-Interesting Annual Shareholders Letter

We’re not saying that Jamie Dimon isn’t a competent multitasker, but we are saying that he needs to be more careful about not mixing up the “Dimon_2020” and “WorkStuffz” folders on his computer desktop. Dimon’s annual letter to JPMorgan shareholders came out this morning, and while it’s not abnormal for The Khaleesi of Wall Street to opine on government policy in his yearly epistle, Jamie went absolutely HAM on policy ideas for 2018. The width and depth of stuff that Dimon felt compelled to address in the course of a section titled “Public Policy” is almost unprecedented by his standards. Two years back, Jamie spent about three double-column pages making broad points about how bad public policy is bad. He stepped it up a bit last year after watching the election and did a nice 13-page rund...

Todd Combs May Not Be CEO Material But Is Demonstrating Prophetic Tendencies

(JPMorgan Chase) Todd Combs does not appear in line to succeed Warren Buffett at the helm of Berkshire Hathaway. This, of course, is because no one man (but possibly one woman) could possibly replace the Oracle of Omaha. It will take at least three and possibly many more: Buffett’s son Howard will succeed his father as chairman, Greg Abel or Ajit Jain will take over as CEO, and Combs and Ted Wechsler will manage the stock portfolio. It’s just that Combs seems to do quite a bit more than simply buy and sell stocks. He just happens to sometimes have the guy whose company Buffett wants to pay more than he ever has for anything else in his office at the right time. Things like that. So when the boss was casting around for the right guy to pitch his crazy idea about completely rejiggering the A...

It Takes Poor Lloyd Blankfein Almost Two Full Days To Make What The Median Goldman Sachs Employees Makes In A Year

That sound you hear is Jamie Dimon and Mike Corbat giggling like a pair of mean salty bitches. Lloyd Blankfein made 163 times the median Goldman Sachs employee last year — putting him at the low end of relative pay for Wall Street CEOs thanks to the lack of tellers at the investment banking behemoth. Lame Duck Lloyd takes almost two full days to pull down what his non-existent “median employee” makes in a year while guys like Jamie and Corbat only have to do about half that. Even Tim fucking Sloan does better! But instead of feeling too bad for Lloyd, let’s remember that this metric is total fucking Dodd-Frankian horseshit. Lloyd’s median employees do even better than the imaginary assistant branch manager that we thought up for Jamie Dimon’s useless proxy example because Lloyd doesn’t eve...

Munificent Jamie Dimon Only Makes 364 Times More Than The Median JPMorgan Employee

One of the most infuriatingly obvious and needless parts of The Dodd–Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act is a fun little nugget of Warrenista populist brilliance requiring financial firms to report CEO compensation in relation to what a median employee of said firm made over the same time period. The rule is unapologetically designed to make finance “admit” that executives get paid way more than analysts fomenting an uninformed populist rage-out and creating more distrust of “Wall Street” or whatever that phrase means to Bernie Bros who live off Vanguard trust funds. That said, the rule is ingenious in that it yields what look like insane ratios that make people furious despite the gap being perfectly explainable. Luckily, we already have the best example of this duality r...

Donald Trump’s Inevitable Successor Openly Displeased With These Tariffs

President-elect James Dimon has put up with a lot of the shit that this Trump administration has thrown at the wall, but he just can’t even with these tariffs... The JPMorgan Chase boss warned on Tuesday that “one-off things” like Trump’s tariff plans “tend to backfire.”Dimon is the chair of the Business Roundtable, a powerful lobby that represents major corporations. He said on a conference call with reporters that the group is “very concerned” that Trump’s trade policy “will do more harm than good to the economy.”Dimon conceded he agrees with Trump that there are “some major issues around trade.” But rather than imposing various tariffs, Dimon said “the right way to go about it is to think about it strategically with allies.” And this is a thought process being echoed around the circles ...

Jeff Bezos Has Been Hanging Out With Jamie Dimon So Amazon Is Going To Be A Bank Now

Do you think your business is safe from Jeff Bezos? Well guess what? Your business is not safe from Jeff Bezos. It was just a little over a month ago when the health care industry was put back on notice that the Amazon threat was not in fact going away when, seemingly out of the clear blue sky, Bezos, Buffett, and Dimon announced they would be teaming up on a on a way to offer health care services to their employees. The details on that are still sparse, but last week, in his interview with CNBC’s Becky Quick, Buffett served notice that although “a miracle” isn’t likely, the trio is aiming for something more than simply trimming healthcare costs by a few bucks. “It isn’t difficult to shave a little bit off here,” he said, adding that “the question is whether we can come up with something b...

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