Jamie Dimon

Jamie Dimon Thinks That Things Are Looking Good Out There, Muses That They Could Perhaps Look Better

After delivering an objectively strong quarter that won’t be reflected in JPMorgan’s stock price because everyone is selling financial stocks into a shallow Friday rally at the end of the first week of the next recession [ooooh, look who’s making big boy predicitions], Jamie Dimon jumped on the phones to continue his ongoing “Bank CEO “Not” Running for President” routine. What we got today was not the “I could beat Trump’s ass with one hand tied behind my back” Jamie Dimon (that tactic already worked like a charm), but a more cautiously sanguine version who seemed suddenly appreciative of the current president’s insufficient efforts. Here’s official Jamie, part of a prepared statement that kicked things off: “The U.S. and the global economy continue to show strength, despite increasing eco...

Jamie Dimon Practicing For Presidential Purge With Mortgage-Banking Dry Run

(Getty Images) When Jamie Dimon is sworn in as the 46th president of the United States on Jan. 20, 2021, one of his first orders of business will be to do away with all sorts of government employees drenched in Trump taint. Like, for instance, a certain central bank chief, who probably will not even get the courtesy dicking-around his predecessor did. Anyway, he’s giving it a dry-run in JPMorgan’s red-state mortgage operations. The bank, one of the largest mortgage lenders with about 34,000 mortgage-banking employees, is in the midst of laying off employees in cities including Jacksonville, Fla.; Columbus, Ohio; Phoenix and Cleveland particularly as mortgage servicing has fallen, the people said. JPMorgan Chase Laying Off 400 Mortgage Employees [WSJ]

BigMouth Jay Powell Is Not President-Elect Dimon’s First Choice For Fed Chair

With the Dimon for America campaign percolating more loudly into existence up on Park Avenue these days, it’s wise to take extra notice of what JPMorgan is saying about stuff. After all, a few key members of the Dimon transition team and the Dimon West Wing likely work inside the Bank if Dimon right now, so we can get a sneak peek of what and who to expect after January 20, 2021. So, following this line of thought; Jay Powell is a dead man walking… Since the central bank chief took over in February, his public remarks have cost the market dearly — specifically about a $1.5 trillion loss in market cap, according to a J.P. Morgan analysis.The bank’s strategists specifically found that when Powell gives a news conference after a Federal Open Market Committee meeting, the S&P 500 typically...

Gary Cohn Publicly Embraces The #DraftDimon Movement While Simultaneously Demonstrating Why He’s Not Invited

Former Goldman Sachs president, senior White House economic advisor and future cannabis fund manager Gary Cohn gave a lengthy interview to Reuters yesterday and, whoa Nelly, did he “go there” on a plethora of hot topics… Gary Cohn, the former economic adviser to U.S. President Donald Trump, gave a ringing endorsement of Wall Street bankers on Monday, arguing that borrowers were just as responsible for the 2007-2009 financial crisis as lenders and ridiculing rules intended to make the system stronger in its aftermath. Oh, that’s just the outline. Here’s the color… Defending his fellow bankers, who are often blamed for causing and worsening the crisis, Cohn said borrowers played a hand in their financial disasters as well.“Who broke the law? I just want to know who you think broke the law,” ...

With One Tweet, Trump Justifies Jamie Dimon’s Year-Long Crusade Of Unsubtle Trolling

Yesterday was a pretty embarrassing day for Jamie Dimon…is something you would think if you believe that Jamie Dimon is prone to frothy, politically-charged outbursts while talking into a hot mic at a JPMorgan corporate event. But maybe you’re the kind of person who tends to believe that a man who has maintained his CEO role at a multi-trillion dollar global financial services behemoth for 13 years, steered said megabank through the 2008 crisis, and become the unofficial face of Wall Street is also the kind of guy who takes real care in his messaging and has a communications team capable of strategizing a “moment” inside a larger narrative. And if your thinking is more along those lines, you might see this tweet as the ideal outcome of Dimon’s “embarrassing” day: The problem with banker Ja...

Jamie Dimon, Who Is “Not” Running For President, Admits That He Would Win Easily If He Ran, But He’s “Not”

Many of you have been vocal that you do not enjoy our unwavering commitment to our bold prediction that Jamie Dimon is destined to be the 46th President of these United States. You’ve been clear that you have grown tired of this narrative, that we are engaging in Dimon hagiography and that we sublimating our natural caustic voice in servitude of some horseshit political nonsense that will never be real. You’re sick of #DraftDimon and want us to go back to being normal assholes. This whole thing with Jamie Dimon becoming emperor of the world stopped being funny months ago and you just want to visit here every few days for a Bill Ackman photoshop and watch us kick Deutsche Bank in what’s left of its nuts. Well, our official response is this: Don’t tell us, dipshit. Tell Jamie. “I think I cou...

JPMorgan’s Unveils Its Newest Super Weapon: Psychic Quants

Quants aren’t cool anymore. Everyone has a team of algo jockeys sitting in a dark room 20 hours a day trying to beat the market at its own game. Having quants isn’t gaining edge, it’s staying in the game. You know what is cool? Psychic quants. Sudden, severe stock sell-offs sparked by lightning-fast machines. Unprecedented actions by central banks to shore up asset prices. Social unrest not seen in the U.S. in half a century. That’s how J.P. Morgan Chase’s head quant Marko Kolanovic envisions the next financial crisis. The forces that have transformed markets in the last decade, namely the rise of computerized trading and passive investing, are setting up conditions for potentially violent moves once the current bull market ends, according to a report from Kolanovic sent to the bank’s clie...

Jamie Dimon Lazily Attempts To Bat Away His Destiny On Live Television

During an appearance on CNBC’s Squawk Box this morning, Jamie Dimon and Warren Buffett announced that they’d found the perfect masochist to work for them and Jeff Bezos on their new health care initiative, professed the American economy to be booming and called for an end to the market’s obsession with quarterly earnings reports [killjoys]. But the only real newsworthy moment of the interview came when Becky Quick asked the question on the mind of every true American patriot: Will Jamie Dimon admit that he must give in to divine providence and run for president? Here’s the video: Jamie Dimon says “I have no intention of running for president,” Buffett adds that he isn’t going to run for vice president either. pic.twitter.com/ayzgDgC31g — CNBC Now (@CNBCnow) June 7, 2018 Even President-Elec...

Opening Bell 6.7.18

Putin tells Europe on U.S. trade threat: ‘I told you so’ [Reuters] “That is exactly what is happening now. Nobody wanted to listen, and nobody did anything to stop this from developing. Well, there you go, you’ve been hit. Dinner is served … please sit down and eat.” Putin also accused the United States of upsetting the strategic nuclear balance, and said nobody should take any hasty steps: “The understanding that a third world war could be the end of civilization should restrain us.” U.S. Trade Is Trump’s Main Focus at G-7 Gathering [WSJ] For decades, the G-7 summit has been a venue for the richest countries to coordinate policies around trade and shared values, and the U.S. was the group’s undisputed leader. Now, many observers believe the Trump administration seems less interested in ma...

JPMorgan Places Child In Charge Of Childish Cryptocurrencies

To hear him tell it, Jamie Dimon doesn’t get bitcoin or the cryptocurrency craze it spawned. He thinks it’s a doomed fraud, the trading of which is a firing offense. Frankly, he’s not even all that interested in cryptos, because they are quite frankly uninteresting and also unimportant. His bank doesn’t know what to make of them. But as always, the next president of the United States knows more than he’s letting on. Now that JPMorgan’s being forced into the crypto game, Dimon needs a point person to handle it. And who better to do so than an actual child, a 29-year-old with all of four years of Wall Street experience. You know, the kind of person who actually understands the kind of people who trade in bitcoin. It’s a masterstroke. The US bank has just moved Oliver Harris, the head of an i...

The Three Most Powerful Men In American Business Can’t Figure Out Why No One Wants This Terrible Job They Created

Question: Who wants to run a brand-new healthcare company in modern America while working for Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffett and Jamie Dimon simultaneously? Did you answer “Nobody smart”? Because you’d be right! Take it away, CNBC: Almost four months ago, Amazon, Berkshire Hathaway and J.P. Morgan Chase announced a bold new partnership aimed at bringing down the costs of health care.But ABC, as the group is known, has encountered a surprising challenge filling the CEO spot. “Wow,” the most potentially awful job in the world of business remains empty, and the men who created it are flummoxed as to why. Berkshire CEO Warren Buffett said at the company’s investor meeting earlier this month that the consortium hoped to have a CEO “within a couple of months.” We get that Buffett and his new partner...

Jamie Dimon Understands That His Future President Self May Have To Deal With A Recession And/Or Higher Yields

Future President of the United States and current man who is 364 times richer than the median person who works for him and an undisclosed number of times richer than Mike Mayo, Jamie Dimon, thinks it’s possible that 10Y yields will hit 4% in the U.S. Why you should give a shit about that largely meaningless headline is anyone’s guess, but apparently a lot of people care because it’s all over the place on Tuesday. Here’s what Dimon told Bloomberg TV’s Stephen Engle during an interview in Beijing: [If the Fed hikes more than expected] it might force the 10-year up. You can easily deal with 4 percent bonds and I think people should be prepared for that. Ok. You have been thusly warned. Of course the possibility of higher 10Y yields has been all anyone has been talking about this year and as I...

  • 1
  • 2