Cryptocurrencies

Jose Canseco Needs A Lawyer For An ICO That Merges Celebrity Crypto With Unwanted Hugs

Photo: Getty Images Some people might look at the zeitgeist right now and think that the only thing less appealing than a celebrity ICO is a male celebrity offering to hug people. And practically no one would see value in combining the most mocked thing in finance with a twist that seems to flaunt its opposition to the #MeToo movement. But then again, most people are not Jose Canseco. That’s right, you jabronis, everyone’s favorite steroid-using market genius not named Nassim Nicholas Taleb is getting in on the crypto craze at exactly the right time! You know, like he did with gold. From the Twitters: Cansecoin is launched! If u are a good ICO lawyer please get a hold of me . — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 19, 2018 That sound you hear is the entire American legal community unplugging th...

Jack Dorsey Keeps Repping Bitcoin Like It’s 2013

Bitcoin may have fallen 60% from its December highs, but the cryptocurrency industry has never been stronger, as venture capitalists continue to pour money into blockchain companies and sponsor countless conferences where speakers foretell of the coming crypto revolution.   The most prominent booster of blockchain to emerge in the months since bitcoin’s dramatic collapse is Jack Dorsey, the pseudo-philosophic CEO of Twitter and Square. His argument of late is that bitcoin is going to be the currency of the future, telling the Consensus Blockchain Conference in New York Wednesday that “the Internet needs a native currency, and I hope it’s bitcoin.” He was even more bullish in an interview with the U.K. publication The TImes, saying he thought bitcoin would surpass the dollar as the world’s ...

JPMorgan Places Child In Charge Of Childish Cryptocurrencies

To hear him tell it, Jamie Dimon doesn’t get bitcoin or the cryptocurrency craze it spawned. He thinks it’s a doomed fraud, the trading of which is a firing offense. Frankly, he’s not even all that interested in cryptos, because they are quite frankly uninteresting and also unimportant. His bank doesn’t know what to make of them. But as always, the next president of the United States knows more than he’s letting on. Now that JPMorgan’s being forced into the crypto game, Dimon needs a point person to handle it. And who better to do so than an actual child, a 29-year-old with all of four years of Wall Street experience. You know, the kind of person who actually understands the kind of people who trade in bitcoin. It’s a masterstroke. The US bank has just moved Oliver Harris, the head of an i...

Coinbase To Unite Two Scorned Corners Of The Financial Market

By Mike Cauldwell (https://www.casascius.com/photos.aspx) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons There are few things in finance as feared and reviled and misunderstood as high-speed trading. Cryptocurrencies are one of them, even if Michael Lewis hasn’t written a book about them yet. (Stay tuned: One of his muses has weighed in on the topic.) Until now, however, there hasn’t been a way to really piss off the Wall Street dads by combining the two, which is to say trading the highly volatile non-existent non-currencies really, really fast. However, if you load your servers into the trunk and drive them to an office in San Francisco, your dreams of sticking it to the man thusly can be realized. San Francisco-based Coinbase plans to introduce “low-latency performance,” the company said in a b...

If Consensus Conference Wanted To Prove How Dope Crypto Is, They Might Have Gone With 2 Chainz Over Snoop For ‘Secret’ Afterparty

“What the hell is wrong with you people?” …is a question I find myself asking every, single time I read an article about Bitcoin, blockchain and/or cryptocurrencies in 2018. You’d think Bitcoin’s ~60% plunge from the absurd December highs at $20,000 would have made it abundantly clear to everyone that the easy money in this global farce has already been made, unlessin’ you’re lookin’ to pioneer your own ICO scam. But as noted on Friday evening, when I took a rather critical look at Xapo’s Pete Najarian-assisted efforts to convince institutional investors to bury their Bitcoin in a literal mountain vault complete with pulse-sensing fingerprint scanners (you know, to make sure spies can’t cut off your arm and use your detached hand to access underground cold storage facilities), there’s stil...

Are You An Institutional Investor Who’s Worried That Someone Will Chop Off Your Hand And Use It To Access The Bitcoin Keys You’re Storing In The Side Of A Mountain? Pete Najarian Can Help!

Kaecilius: How long have you been at Kamar-Taj, Mister… Dr. Stephen Strange: Doctor! Kaecilius: Mr. Doctor? Dr. Stephen Strange: It’s Strange. Kaecilius: Maybe. Who am I to judge? I was reminded of that classic exchange from Dr. Strange on Friday when, amid a painful lull in the normally manic news cycle, I ran across this headline from Bloomberg: BITCOIN SEEN HITTING $36,000 BY END OF 2019: DOCTOR Upon further inspection, that’s a reference to Fundstrat’s Sam Doctor who, in keeping with the over-the-top bullish Bitcoin bias of the firm he works for, was out with a note that purports to make the case for Bitcoin roughly quadrupling from where it was trading earlier this week. Here’s the actual “rationale” for anyone interested in driving themselves crazy: Hilariously, Bitcoin plunged some ...

John McAfee Invites Jamie Dimon To Learn About His Impotent, Blockchain-Powered, Bangkok Hooker-Filled Future

Hey, you guys want to see John McAfee invite Jamie Dimon to a Blockchain conference in Atlantic City by not-so-vaguely threatening him that he better understand the Blockchain before it takes away all of his notional cultural power and leaves him only a wealthy crypto baron waited upon by Thai prostitutes who are now his hierarchical equal…or something? Of course you do! I tell JP Morgan the truth. And make Jamie Dimon an offer that no man with an IQ above 12 could refuse. From a video that will be shown at the World Blockchain Conference in Atlantic City on July 12 of this year. I will be keynoting. https://t.co/ObPAmVOhG4 pic.twitter.com/JWqR0hok8v — John McAfee (@officialmcafee) May 4, 2018 We love this video. McAfee is always a fun person to watch [much in the same way it’s fun to watc...

New York Attorney General Asks Crypto Exchanges Questions, Presumably To See If They Can Answer Them

Insider-trading enforcement innovator Eric Schneiderman may not understand dark pools. But the New York Attorney General definitely doesn’t understand cryptocurrencies, because no one does. And Schneiderman is betting that includes cryptocurrency exchanges themselves. The attorney general office’s on Tuesday sent a letter—part of an initiative by Mr. Schneiderman to bring clarity to these highly speculative and volatile markets—requesting information from 13 exchanges specializing in bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies, saying investors often don’t have the basic facts needed to protect themselves…. The letter requests information on basic trading rules, fee structures, policies and safeguards to prevent conflicts of interest and fraud, protection of customer assets, and the use of automate...

Crypto Founder Yassin Hankir Had To Pretend Like He Stole $50 Million Because ‘There’s So Much Scam Happening’

What kind of moron would launch a startup in an industry that’s rife with fraud and then decide, seemingly out of the clear blue sky (figuratively and literally in this case), to tweet a picture of himself sitting on a beach drinking a beer with the caption “Thanks guys! Over and out…” followed by a hashtag and the name of his ICO? A special kind of moron. That’s the answer to that question. It would take a special kind of moron to do that. Because you know, ICO scams are a real fucking thing and people are really pissed off about them because they amount to theft and stealing from people is illegal, etc. etc. But if it takes a special kind of moron to tweet a picture of himself at an airport and then later, a picture of himself getting drunk on a beach with the clear intent to suggest he ...

Google Decides It’s Time To Save The Crypto Crowd From Itself

It’s starting to feel like we may be on the verge of seeing the next shoe drop when it comes to Bitcoin’s inevitable date with zero. Generally speaking, no one gives a shit about make-believe space tokens these days. Here, look (click to enlarge): Turns out, that’s what happens when scores of people buy something trading at $20,000 on their credit card, only to watch in horror as the value of that thing they took out a high interest, revolving loan to finance plunges by ~60% in the space of three months. Recall this chart that documents the results of a LendEDU study published literally one day after Bitcoin peaked in December (click to enlarge): Bitcoin (and the cryptosphere more generally) have had a variety of scares in 2018 thanks to all manner of issues including, but by no means limi...

The SEC Just Happened To Pick A Subpoena With Overstock.com’s ICO’s Name On It Out Of A Hat

(Getty Images) Everyone’s doing an ICO these days. Many if not most (if not all) of these are more-or-less naked frauds perpetrated upon a public very, very eager to get involved in a shadowy market for non-tangible quasi-assets about which they know next to nothing. There’s just too many of them for the SEC to deal with, other than to advise you not to be stupid and to collect the low-hanging fruit that make their already-obvious scams too transparently thieving to be ignored. Still, the SEC isn’t doing nothing: They are actively seeking out that low-hanging fruit with several dozen subpoenas issued to companies joining the ICO gold rush. And where better to seek said low-hanging fruit than in the ICO run by these guys? Overstock.com Inc. shares fell 4.4% Thursday after the company’s cryp...

Paul Singer Thinks Cryptos Are Bullshit And Everyone Is Stupid

He’s smiling cuz you’re so stupid. We’ve heard a lot of hot takes on cryptos from the old school bros of finance. But while Lloyd Blankfein is tickled with curiosity, Jamie Dimon is…’evolving(?)’ and Warren Buffett is just bullshitting to flirt with Katy Perry, we all wondered what one legendary scrooge in particular had to say about the market that everyone pretends to understand.And now we have it… In a creative January missive that is equal parts critical about the hyperbole associated with cryptocurrencies and admiring of the manner in which they have captivated public imagination, Elliott Management described cryptocurrencies as “one of the most brilliant scams in history.” Paul SInger hates cryptos, y’all. He even made up an acronym to convey his disgust with people dumb enough to bu...

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