Call the Close

Call The Close: Well This Is Fun, Isn’t It?

Rest assured that he will have the most perfect guess. The most beautiful prediction. You can’t believe how right he’s gonna be. Two years ago, we were promised that the election of an unhinged narcissist to the most powerful office in the land would naturally bring about the sort of motion-sickness-inducing economic collapse that such an action quite frankly really ought to bring. While this was bad news for most people and for the world in general, it had you people salivating: After eight boring years of stability, volatility was coming back and in a big way, baby! Unfortunately, for all his many accomplishments, President Orange Garbage Bag Filled With Spoiled Rice Pudding has utterly failed to inject much excitement into the markets. Sure, there have been moments—lots of them if you’r...

Call The Close: Bond Bloodbath Edition

Psst…You!, Yeah, you…You trade bonds? Yeah? Wanna get high? Come on, bro. It’s just that kind of day. We already got Bill Gross feeling good and lifted in the corner, he kind of overdid it after getting some mean texts from Gundlach. Homeboy’s going through shit, you know? So just ignore the yield curve and the fundamental logic – policy-makers are! – and get high. Just call the close on the Dow [closest without going over, house rules, etc] by 3:45pm and we can make the pain go away. Hahaha, no we can’t! There shall be no end to your pain!

Call The Close: Smoke ‘Em If You Ever Really Had ‘Em Edition

(marolse3 via eBay.) You clowns knew this bullshit wouldn’t last forever. The absurd cosmically inexplicable optimism that fueled your beloved rally dies with Janet Yellen. You thought she wasn’t magical? Then you have only yourselves to blame. Party’s over, so dust off those Dow 20K hats that you thought were so fucking adorable and use them to catch your tears and blood, then revel in the sick beauty of your narcissism and the whole inside that your will never fill. Call the close, you greedy fools, and regain some of that false sense of control that you persisted in believing was yours all along, for The Trump Bump is over! In fact, like all things good and pure, it never really existed at all! Same old rules: Closest guess without going over wins a Dealbreaker bag that you can use to c...