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Snap Offers Up CFO As Human Sacrifice To The Angry Gods Of Wall Street, Immediately Overpays For A New One

Snap Offers Up CFO As Human Sacrifice To The Angry Gods Of Wall Street, Immediately Overpays For A New One

When Snap reported its Q1 2018 earnings last week by essentially turning out its empty pockets and shrugging, the market response was predictably unkind.

Missing on revenue, EPS and user growth is no way to go through life, and Snap stock took an epic nosedive as Wall Street digested the reality that Snap is showing virtually no signs of growth or competent management. The situation was not improved when Snap also announced that it was releasing Snap Spectacles 2.0, a relaunch of a product that was widely hated and mocked. Bringing back Spectacles is the equivalent of Eddie Murphy attempting to resuscitate his film career by self-financing “The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2.”

All in all, Snap’s most recent financial report was a vomitous buttfumble that has resulted in a 24% loss in SNAP’s value. So, Snap’s CE-brO Evan Speigel was left with only one option; Kill his CFO.

Snap chief financial officer Drew Vollero is stepping down on May 15, to be replaced by Amazon’s Tim Stone, a key transition for a company that has struggled to find its footing since going public last year.

Throwing Vollero into a volcano is not a surprising move – it’s hard to survive a quarter like the one SNAP just pooped out (or it’s intrinsic nature) – but bringing in a guy like Stone (who oversaw the impressive Whole Foods integration) appears to be a pretty stellar get for Speigel and his team. But then again things can’t get worse at Snap, so maybe Stone sees an opportunity so Spiegel won’t have to overpay…

Fifty-one-year-old Stone will have a salary of $500,000, restricted stock units with a value of $20,000,000 and 500,000 in options, subject to time-based vesting.

Nevermind.

And while all the chatter will be that Stone can “Speaka da Wall Street,” giving Speigel a secret weapon in his crusade to make bankers understand how slow growth and massive loses are creating value, we cannot fathom how hard it will be to go from the juggernaut that is Amazon to the carrion of confusion that is Snap.

But, um, congrats and best of luck to Tim Stone!

Snap CFO Drew Vollero is stepping down on May 15, Amazon’s Tim Stone to replace him [CNBC]

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