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Inside Hedge Funders With @CreditNegative: Crash Is King

Inside Hedge Funders With @CreditNegative: Crash Is King

I CAREFULLY HOIST A LASAGNA INTO THE LOWER PORTION OF MY LEOPARD PRINT SNUGGIE (MY SUBORDINATES HAVE REFUSED TO DO BOTH MY DISHES AND LAUNDRY FOR SEVERAL YEARS) AND GINGERLY TROT TO MY WORKSTATION, WHERE I REST THE ITALIAN DISH ON MY BEEFY QUADRICEPS.

I BEGIN WRITING MY LETTER TO MY JAMAICAN INVESTORS, WHO BE VERY CONCERNED WITH ME Q3 UNDERPERFORMANCE. “YOU GON’ DONE BE VERY PATIENT WITH YOUR CAPITAL NOW, IT IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP JAMMIN’ WITH ME.” I EXPERTLY EXPLAIN THAT THE CHINESE, WHO ARE DEVELOPING A FINAL SOLUTION TO HALTING DISGUSTING WESTERN CAPITALISM IN THEIR COUNTRY (“CRAZY RICH ASIANS”, A BRILLIANT PROPAGANDA FILM), ARE OUT TO GET ME, AND THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PROTECT THEIR CAPITAL FROM A DEVASTATING BLITZKRIEG OF NEGATIVE ALPHA.

“YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY 888 CLIENT BASE TO BE INVESTED WITH ME. MUCH LIKE THE LUFTWAFFE OVER LONDON, OTHER INFERIOR INVESTMENT MANAGERS BE DESTROYING CLIENT CAPITAL MUCH WORSE THAN I AND I HAVE.” I BRIEFLY PAUSE FOR A FISTFUL OF LASAGNA, EXHAUSTED FROM THE INTELLECTUAL LABOR.

“THESE TACTICALLY PLACED NEGATIVE ALPHA BOMBS ARE BEING DELIVERED BY INFERIOR, PATHETIC HEDGE FUND MANAGERS WITHOUT THE DETERMINATION AND FOCUS NEEDED TO GENERATE CONSISTENT ALPHA. THEY DESERVE TO BE SHIPPED OUT TO THE HEDGE FUND MANAGER EQUIVALENT OF BIRKENAU (JANUS)” I RECEIVE RAVE REVIEWS FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT HUMANS.

Want more insight? @creditnegative

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