Business Education

Elderly Soup Scions Invite Dan Loeb’s Ire, Get It

© José Luiz Bernardes Ribeiro / In recent years, Dan Loeb has sought to shed his reputation for being a bit of an asshole. Once the poison pen’s most formidable wielder, he’s tried to be, well, nicer at times, using more ingratiating and complimentary language in place of brutal put-downs and demands for heads on plates now. This has worked out pretty well for him. But the old Dan Loeb is still in there, and can be called upon when necessary. For instance, when a bunch of aged canned-soup heirs and heiresses tell him he can’t have what he want, which is to say a new board of directors for the family company that doesn’t include them that will hopefully choose to blow the whole damned thing up, and will instead get what he very much does not want, which is more of the same. In that case, Ne...

Brian Moynihan Will Have You Know That He’s Fired Thousands Of People, Like A MAN

You laughed at Brian Moynihan. We all laughed at Brian Moynihan. The most impotently powerful bank CEO in America has been the butt of jokes for many moons, what with his moon-faced Irish stare communicating the mien of a man bereft of hope yet incapable to stop the pain from raining down. There is a deep well of sadness in the eyes on his face, one that comes from running Bank of America when, really, Bank of America runs him. But, as we’ve always feared, a darkness lies inside the broken calm exterior of BriMo. A reservoir of repressed cruelty that was bound to make itself known sooner or later, and yesterday…it finally did. Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan said that the adoption of technology at the second-biggest U.S. lender has allowed him to cut 100,000 workers in less than a decad...

Elon Musk Will Buy $20 Million Of Tesla Stock In Big Show Of Make Believe That Elon Musk And Tesla Are Separate Things

After tweeting out some securities fraud a few weeks back, Elon Musk has crossed the T’s and dotted the R’s [Elon doesn’t play by your grammar rules, plebe] on his laughably lenient settlement with the SEC. In addition to stepping down as chairman and letting one of his pals act as an “independent” “director,” Tesla will pay a $20 million fine, Elon is going to pay a $20 million fine, behave himself and stop trying to make his performance artist girlfriend with jokes that are also stock manipulations. But according to one new little bit of info, Elon has one more fake-ass mea culpa that is simultaneous proof Elon can’t shoot straight anymore and that there is no daylight between Tesla and Musk. Buried at the bottom of an 8-K form filed by Tesla yesterday is this tidbit: Separate and apart ...

BriMo Profit Up, Reputation Still Down

Goldman Sachs’ third-quarter profit—Lloyd Blankfein’s last—rose 19%. Morgan Stanley’s is up 20%. Bank of America’s? 32%! A victory lap for the ever-beleaguered Brian Moynihan? Where’s the fun in that? Let us instead study one of his many, many flaws on this otherwise sunny day for Wall Street’s favorite hapless Irish dad. Bank of America has failed to capture the benefits of a deal-making boom that has lifted its Wall Street rivals. Its overall investment-banking revenue in the first nine months of this year is roughly flat compared with the same period in 2010, compared with an average increase of more than 50% at U.S. peers including Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and JPMorgan Chase & Co. Bank of America makes far more on service charges such as overdraft fees than from merger and underwri...

Remember All That Talk About Brexit Progress? Yea, It Was All Poppycock

The last prime minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. By EU2017EE Estonian Presidency (Theresa May) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons Tomorrow was supposed to be the day we finally found out what Brexit meant, what all of the meaningful progress had added up to, when Theresa May and her erstwhile allies and partners clasped hands and pronounced “peace in our time.” As it turns out—to no one’s surprise—this was yet another Brexit fantasy waiting to be dashed upon the White Cliffs of Dover. Of course, there’s been no meaningful progress, because it is impossible. Both sides say a hard border in Northern Ireland is unthinkable; unfortunately so is any solution that might prevent it. So the planned draft declaration on a future trade deal is off, next month’s me...

Baby’s First Bankruptcy: RobinHood Users Are Suddenly For Crazy Sears Stock

Well, this is fucking adorable. According to RobinTrack.net, a site specializing in trends on everyone’s favorite Millennial trading app RobinHood, all the most annoying young capitalists you know are experimenting with their first bankruptcy. Interest in SHLD is up about 7.5% on RobinHood today, with all the kids looking at the slowest-moving car crash in American financial history, unraveling the gothically tangled web that CEO Eddie Lampert has woven around the company via his own hedge fund, bought into the notion that it can be chopped up and bled for a few more shekels, and then clicked “buy” on their smartphones. Look: Now, we’re not that clued-in to what Sears Holdings is thinking here, and we’re just a bunch of middle-aged hacks without online trading accounts who see finance as g...

Warren Buffett’s Folksy Sex-Joke Writing Hideaway Sold

Getty Images Warren Buffett once said, “It’s only when the tide goes out that you discover who’s been swimming naked.” For more than 40 years, he’s been doing from a relatively modest house in Laguna Beach, Calif. It’s also where he once routinely spent his Christmas vacations crafting the randy bits of wisdom that we all know and love in his annual letters to Berkshire Hathaway investors. And now, a lucky new couple gets to think about what else he may have been doing in that house to inspire those missives. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett has sold his California beach house for roughly $7.5 million, or 32% less than its original asking price, according to a spokeswoman for the listing agent…. “I feel very good about the couple who bought the house and hope their family gets as much e...

Larry Fink, Steve Schwarzman Unite Behind Controversial Position That Even Oil-Rich Countries Can’t Just Go Around Killing Reporters

BlackRock’s Larry Fink and his erstwhile patron Steve Schwarzman of the Blackstone Group don’t agree on much, other than that it was very stupid of the former to sell the latter. Now, there’s a new area of agreement between the two old rivals: That autocratic regimes shouldn’t be allegedly murdering and dismembering journalists, certainly not so soon before a conference they’d like the two of them to attend. BlackRock Chief Executive Larry Fink and Blackstone Group CEO Stephen Schwarzman will no will no longer attend a high profile conference in Saudi Arabia…. Executives from media, technology and financial firms have in the last few days withdrawn from the conference, scheduled for Oct. 23-25, after the disappearance of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. President-elect Jamie Dimon is also...

Sears Is Dead. Eddie Lampert Is Still Very Much OK.

By Jonrev at English Wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons It was inevitable, but feels shocking and weird all the same: Sears is bankrupt. If its lenders get their way, it soon will be no more. What was once the world’s largest retailer, the place where everyone went to buy everything and have awkward family photos taken in the meantime, and which has since withered to a skeleton crew of 700 (going on 500) empty, dirty and depressing stores, will soon be but a memory, a footnote in the histories of its children Land’s End and Craftsman and probably eventually Kenmore, brought low by the Walton family, Jeff Bezos and a weirdo hedge-fund manager who was college roommates with our current weirdo Treasury Secretary. That hedge-fund weirdo, Eddie Lampert, didn’t want this day to com...

Firings, Reduced Seamless Bills Really Paying Off For Wells Fargo

Tim Sloan (Wells Fargo) When Gary Cohn decided that he’d rather do literally anything but run Wells Fargo, it made sense. I mean, who on earth would want to run Wells Fargo? Gary may have convinced himself that helping the most immoral president in U.S. history push through an immoral tax cut that, however briefly, took the spotlight off of all of the remarkably more immoral shit he was doing was a good thing. He also seems to have convinced himself that he’s still a Democrat. But even he’s not as delusional as Tim Sloan. Well, Tim Sloan’s got the last laugh here: He’s cut enough jobs and scared enough employees into paying for their own meals to produce some meaningful progress. Wells Fargo & Co. said its third-quarter profit jumped 32% as it continued to cuts costs and boost its busi...

If People Are Talking About Big League Chew, Big League Chew Has Already Won

Big League Chew made news this week, not only for continuing to exist, but for putting a female ballplayer on a gum pouch for the first time. To save everyone the time and effort, The Hall of Very Good tracked down the dumbest tweets about it from misogynist idiots. It’s not at a Colin Kaepernick/Nike level, which reached a new height of FFS this week with news of an Arkansas sheriff putting swoosh-branded apparel on inmates to mock the quarterbacktivist, because, again, most people’s reaction to the Big League Chew item is, “Wow, they still make Big League Chew!” Still, it’s another example of a brand showing some level of forward-facing social consciousness. Why take the gamble of being a brand that people might throw off a balcony or burn, to own the libs? Well, when is the last time yo...

Jamie Dimon Thinks That Things Are Looking Good Out There, Muses That They Could Perhaps Look Better

After delivering an objectively strong quarter that won’t be reflected in JPMorgan’s stock price because everyone is selling financial stocks into a shallow Friday rally at the end of the first week of the next recession [ooooh, look who’s making big boy predicitions], Jamie Dimon jumped on the phones to continue his ongoing “Bank CEO “Not” Running for President” routine. What we got today was not the “I could beat Trump’s ass with one hand tied behind my back” Jamie Dimon (that tactic already worked like a charm), but a more cautiously sanguine version who seemed suddenly appreciative of the current president’s insufficient efforts. Here’s official Jamie, part of a prepared statement that kicked things off: “The U.S. and the global economy continue to show strength, despite increasing eco...