Corporate Bullshit Translation:
As many of you know, we are on a crusade to buy Time Warner, Inc. And you might also be aware that this desperate pursuit that has led us into open conflict with the emotional man-child currently occupying The Oval Office.
Because the current president hates the CNN – a Time Warner property – for not being an instrument of his budding authoritarian rule, he is making an otherwise tailor-made big business merger very difficult, something that once seemed impossible under a GOP administration. The crypto-adolescent behavior emanating from the current White House has also spread to the Treasury Department (which is being run by a mouth-breathing weirdo who possesses no independent thoughts from that of the man who somehow made him Treasury Secretary) making our acquisition of Time Warner that much more confounding and difficult.
At some point last year, it came to the attention of our lobbyists that the president’s personal lawyer was offering his expertise on the current administration’s bizarre thinking. While that service required a fee, we came to the conclusion that the whole thing was technically legal and possibly useful. We then began paying Michael Cohen for said services.
As has now come to light, Mr. Cohen is in fact an idiot. A dunce. A clown. A jabroni of the highest order. We realized this after a few months of learning nothing from his seemingly chinless head and hearing stories that the president makes fun of him literally all the time in very cruel ways. We then terminated our relationship.
Nothing had come of it and our purchase of Time Warner remains excruciatingly stalled.
Unfortunately our previous relationship with this unfathomable dipshit has now come to light as part of an investigation into the leader of the free world banging a porn star [can’t believe I have to type this] so now everyone knows we were so horny to buy Time Warner that we wrote checks to a man destined to be enshrined in the Hall of American Stupid Fame. The money we gave this horse’s ass could have gone to real lobbyists, and we are ashamed.
But…to be totally honest, who knows who to pay in this obscenely indiscreet circle-jerk orgy of corruption that passes for a government? Used to be that you’d give Jack Abramoff a suitcase at a hotel and get some call girls, then lickety-splickety you’d own a few new cell towers. But not anymore…
Anyway, we’re sorry this happened and a lot of people are gonna get fired. We will do better…cuz this shit can’t get any worse!