Considering that the only modern president to have won a Nobel Prize in economics was Josiah Bartlet, and he’s fake, we might have just witnessed the greatest moment of market theory to have come out of the Oval Office since Reconstruction (wait…what?).
This recent market volatility has clearly irked our fragile leader, and one can only imagine that Donald Trump has been yelling why no one can find Gary Cohn to explain why the Dow isn’t “doing big” what with all the jobs that Trump himself has personally created, especially for “the blacks.” And since Trump has so symbiotically joined his sense of power to the growth of capital markets that he doesn’t comprehend (and since Gary Cohn has locked himself in every available janitorial closet in the West Wing to avoid explaining another simple financial theory to a man incapable of learning), we end up with this:
In the “old days,” when good news was reported, the Stock Market would go up. Today, when good news is reported, the Stock Market goes down. Big mistake, and we have so much good (great) news about the economy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 7, 2018
We can so easily visualize the meeting of minds that led to this tweet:
[INT: OVAL OFFICE, Feb. 7th, 2018. 9:55AM EST. DONALD TRUMP, STEVE MNUCHIN, PETER NAVARRO and JARED KUSHNER are in attendance.]
TRUMP: Why is the market going up and down? I do everything right, because I am a very stable genius as you know. All the blacks are working and I made Apple build big beautiful plants in the middle somewhere…Why am I looking at a chart that doesn’t go up up up?…Talk, Jared, you queer.
JARED: I agree?
TRUMP: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Where is Gary?
MNUCHIN: [does weird twitchy thing with his mouth, licks his lips like a reptile] We’re in the process of finding him, Mr. President. I’m sure he will be located and I will take credit.
TRUMP: Then you answer, you fucking weirdo. Why is all the good news I make for “Fox and Friends” not making the S&P go bigly? Didn’t that bald fuck Bezos have a great quarter?
MNUCHIN: Well, sir, markets move…it’s what they do and this market is moving. It’s very normal…and you are great. Taxes are bad and we made those go away…I worked at Goldman Sachs once.
JARED: You’re useless.
MNUCHIN: Suck it, Ivanka.
TRUMP: What about you, Navarro? You’re an economist, speak!
NAVARRO: [pulls one of his books from the band of his baggy cotton sweatpants] I did books! China BAD! You’re a genius, sir. How you like them apples?! [Rips off shirt and cries.]
TRUMP: Thank you, Pete. I am going to tweet that this is all lies. The markets are up and the press, like fake and boring CNBC, are saying that the Dow is down when it is obviously up because Trump. [starts to type, tweets] I’m going to fix this with or without Gary…
[A sad moan is heard from under one of the couches, then a bump. It is the sound of a body moving.]
TRUMP: Who’s under that couch?!?!
VOICE OF GARY COHN: No one, sir.